A bit of fun
*How to give your cat a pill*
- Pick cat up cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process
- Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
- Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand whilst forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
- Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
- Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck and leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
- Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
- Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
- Tie cats front and rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cats mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to push pill down.
- Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
- Arrange for vet to make house call!!
*Rules for Stray Cats*
- Stray cats will not be fed.
- Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food.
- Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
- Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
- Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
- Stray cats will not be petted, played with, picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
- Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
- Stray cats with or without a name, will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
- Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except at certain times.
- Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except on days ending in "y".
- Stray cats allowed inside, will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
- Stray cats will not be permitted to, jump up on or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
- Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture, but must sharpen claws on new .99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
- Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
- Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece,
high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
- Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan, with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
- Stray cats will sleep outside.
- Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
- Stray cats will sleep in the house.
- Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
- Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with
non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.
- Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
- Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
- Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
- Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers, except at the foot.
- Stray cats will not play on the desk.
- Stray cats will not play on the desk, near the computer.
- Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk, when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hb USING IT.
*How to wrap presents with a cat*
- Clear large space on table for wrapping present
- Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door
- Open door and remove cat from wardrobe
- Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper
- Go back and remove cat from cupboard
- Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
- Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed
- Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string
- Remove present from bag
- Remove cat from bag
- Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present
- Lay out paper to enable cutting to size
- Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight
- Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper
- Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of
- Place present on cut-to-size paper
- Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry
- Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape
- Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors
- Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible
- Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon
- Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn
- Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end
- Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper
- Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper
- Put present in box, and tie down with string
- Remove string, open box and remove cat
- Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room
- Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials
- Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock
- Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
- Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas
- Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job
- Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat
- Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion
- Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat
- Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked
- At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present
- Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.
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